Member-only story
You’re Controlling Too, Even Though You’re a Peacemaker
When you’re trying to keep everyone happy, by giving in, placating, and people-pleasing, that’s a form of control.
You have a controlling person in your life, but you are also being controlling. Now hear me out because I know you’re thinking “What? What are you talking about? I’m not controlling. He or she is the one controlling me!“
However, you are being controlling, by people-pleasing, placating, and giving in to the controlling person’s wishes. You think that if you just give into their wishes, they won’t be angry with you, or they won’t abandon you. It feels like if you can just agree with them, or take responsibility for whatever it is they’re angry about, the raging will stop.
If you make things perfect around the house and anticipate their needs, they won’t have a reason to be angry, and everyone in the family can have a peaceful day. When the other people in the family get upset or angry, and want to speak out, you make excuses for the controlling person. You say things like,” he didn’t mean it, he just had a bad day at work.”, or “He just loves you. That’s why he said that.”
You try to control their emotions, because you know if the controlling person hears their complaints, things will get worse for everyone. The rage will build, and things will become unbearable for you.
When friends and relatives, tell you, they are concerned, you say, ”He’s not like that all the time. It’s just the stress from (the move, work, an argument with a relative, the loss of a loved one, etc.).”
A Common Scenario in Families
If you want to stop this cycle, you can’t control how other people act, and what other people say anymore. The truth of the matter, is you were not doing a good job of controlling them anyway, it’s not working. For real change to happen, you have to practice only controlling your own actions and the things you say.
Let’s take an example of an incident that may happen in a typical household with a controlling husband and father.
The father comes home from work and angrily shouts about the backpacks laying on the counter and the shoes and socks sitting in the doorway. The wife just got home herself…
