When You Wake Up to Narcissism, You Go Through a Grieving Process
You go through all the stages, just like a death has occurred.
Once you wake up to narcissism in your loved one, you go through a grieving process, just like if it were an actual death. It is a death, in a way. It is the death of the person you thought you were with, the death of the person you hoped to be by this time, and the death of the old you, the one who believed everyone was good deep down.
I spoke with a client today, who said, “It’s awful, because now I see how he is trying to manipulate me. I used to believe what he said, and come to his defense when other people were supposedly doing him wrong. Now, I know it is just more lies. I know it won’t do any good to confront him. I actually don’t feel like I have anywhere to turn with my family and friends. They either don’t see it, or they tell me how stupid I am to keep putting up with it.”
I remember feeling that way too. When I learned about DARVO, a term introduced by Jennifer Freyd, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, I could see it in every single argument with the narcissist. First, they deny they did anything wrong. Then, they turn things around on you, attacking you for something you did, and they act like the victim of that action.
