Understanding the Fine Line Between Giving, and Giving Too Much

Giving is good, yes, but over giving is not helpful for anyone.

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Giving To Others Is Noble

Giving to others is noble, and makes for a happier life. When you give to others, you feel good, and they feel good. They are also likely to reciprocate in your times of need. Giving is part of building a healthy community. We couldn’t, and wouldn’t want to live on our own, without any aid, comfort, and support from others. Most of us recognize that we also have to participate in aiding others, comforting and supporting others as part of that healthy ecosystem.

However, co-dependents and people-pleasers tend to over give of themselves and their resources to keep other’s happy. It’s actually a form of control (ouch!). They feel the need to keep everyone else happy because then they believe they will have more peace in their lives.

When Giving Becomes a Problem

Giving becomes a problem when you over-give. Over-giving is when you give so much, that you drain your own energy, and other people don’t appreciate the help, or maybe don’t even want help. Perhaps, the help you’re giving is enabling the other person’s destructive behavior. These could be things you do for your coworker, a charity, your child, your spouse, or an elderly parent, for example.

You are over-giving when:

1. It’s not your responsibility to take care of — It’s someone else’s responsibility, and by doing it yourself, you are taking away their chance to feel capable and independent.
2. It’s crossing a boundary of someone else’s — They’ve asked you not to help.
3. It’s crossing your boundary — You do it, even though you said you wouldn’t.
4. It’s draining your energy — You want to give, and people are appreciative, but you are getting exhausted.

I see over giving a lot with people that we care about most, our children, our spouses, other family members, and friends. We hate to disappoint them, but if the tables were turned, would you really want the help of someone who resents helping you, or if helping you felt like a burden? What if helping you was going to make them feel run-down and exhausted? You would hate for someone to…