Betraying Yourself Causes Anxiety

Start paying attention to how you feel when you make decisions.

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Are You Betraying Yourself?

Self-betrayal is when you ignore your own needs, either consciously or subconsciously, and give in to the needs and wishes of others. It’s not just people-pleasing, though, because self-betrayal also includes self-sabotage, ignoring basic needs, and not taking responsibility for your part in a situation. You lie to yourself, and you don’t act authentically for fear of abandonment.

How Self-Betrayal Starts

Self-betrayal is a trauma response, usually caused by being raised in a dysfunctional family system, or in an environment where your emotional needs were not met. For example, I had a sister that died when I was two years old. She had battled leukemia for a year. I don’t remember anything, but I imagine my parents were consumed with her care. On top of that, my mother was pregnant, expecting my younger brother. I know she would have done anything she could for me, but how could she have had the energy?

A client of mine, grew up in a home where her parents were going through a bitter divorce. Her mother worked long hours to keep food on the table and a roof over their heads. When her father had visitation, he was neglectful, and caught up in mental health problems. My client was responsible for meeting her own needs, and those of her younger sister. No one was available to help her with her own big feelings of loss and abandonment.

Self-Betrayal Causes Anxiety

Self-betrayal causes anxiety because you are ignoring your true inner being. When you don’t live authentically, you have constant feelings of discord. You never feel truly comfortable.

Self-betrayal looks like:

• You want a job as a musician, but your parents insist you won’t make money, and you need to be an attorney or doctor instead. You go along with that, thinking they know what is best.
• Your friends are going on a trip together. The trip will involve a lot of partying. You are not really into that, but they talk you into going, saying it will be “good for you to get away and let loose.”
• Your boss asks you to do something unethical to get an account away from…