An Argument With a Narcissist Goes Like This

Beware of their toxic toolbox.

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How the Argument Starts

An argument with a narcissist can start one of two ways. Either, you have a complaint about something the narcissist has or has not done, or the narcissist is having a need for narcissistic supply. When you have a complaint about, say, the narcissistic person not helping around the house, or they made a hurtful comment about you in front of others, for example, you want to address it by making a request. A normal, healthy person might say, “Oh, I didn’t even think about you needing help with the laundry. I will wash all the darks today. Will that help?” Or they might apologize for the hurtful comment and promise to do better, which means you will see an improvement. But, a narcissistic person will not respond in a healthy way.

Sometimes the narcissist is feeling insecurities from something that has nothing to do with you. Maybe they are concerned about a work issue, a large bill coming up, or a problem with another family member. When they feel stressed and insecure, they need to find a way to get relief. Usually, it’s the person they live with, that they are closest to, that they take out their frustrations on. They pick an argument with you.

The Narcissist’s Toolbox of Argument Tactics

A narcissistic person will pull out their toolbox of tactics to confuse you and gain back control during an argument. Maybe they’ll deny hearing you ask for help. Perhaps they will say they are busier than you, and you should take care of the household duties. Here are some of the tools in their toxic toolbox:

• Denial — This is usually the first strategy a narcissist will try. They will deny that they did something wrong. “I never said that!” “I didn’t ______________, you’re crazy!” “I didn’t ___________. You did that!”
• Blame — They will say the reason they did the offending thing was because of something you, or someone else, did. “If you paid more attention to me, I wouldn’t have cheated.” “I would have been nicer to your mom, but she hasn’t liked me since day one.”
• Shame — They will pick something you feel insecure about to make you feel ashamed. “You are not a great parent! Remember that…