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10 Ways We Rationalize the Toxic Person’s Behavior
Plus, how to be honest with yourself and those around you.
One of my biggest regrets in my toxic relationships, is how I gaslighted my children, by making excuses, and rationalizing the toxic person’s behavior. There are actually a few toxic people in our lives, that I’ve made excuses for. It wasn’t to purposely manipulate anyone, but my reasoning was that I didn’t want anyone to feel hurt. I wanted to avoid pain, for everyone involved. That may sound somewhat admirable, or ideal, in a way. Shouldn’t it be our goal to live a happy, peaceful life?
Well, yes, and no. Yes, we want our lives to be happy and peaceful, but not at the expense of honesty. Not at the expense of making my children question their own intuition. Do I want them going through life, excusing hurtful behavior of others? Absolutely not. I want them to be aware when other people have hidden agendas, or behavior that will harm them. Isn’t it better if they recognize it right away?
My mother was a people-pleaser, and enabler too. She passed those traits on to me. I know she was like me, and wanted the best for everyone involved. It’s likely that she learned people-pleasing and enabling from her own mother.
In fact, society as a whole teaches girls that in order to be “a good girl”, you have to be kind to others, keep opinions to yourself, and don’t show too much emotion. If you do speak out, you are called a “bitch”, “too sensitive”, or “a drama queen”.
The Toxic Person Exploits This Quality
When we have a relationship with a toxic person, whether that be a friend, coworker, a relative, or a romantic partner, they know how to exploit your people-pleasing, kind nature. A toxic person can sense that you will give them what they want. They figure out that you will go to great lengths to give them what they want. You will even gaslight yourself and other people around you by rationalizing their bad behavior. In other words, you will say to yourself, or someone else, “He didn’t mean it, he just had a bad day.”, or some other excuse for why this person was so rude, mean, or demeaning.
